I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
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I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.