I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.