I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT