I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Monday
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.