I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.