I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
crying
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.