I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Thursday Thought.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…