I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
When you kidnap a writer.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Always 🥴