seems like a niche market
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?