@bea_ker
@rockymomax [date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
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@rockymomax 
@EliTerry “looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
@JasonLastname Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
@shatty48 Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
@MrsJCtoyou Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
@AtticusFinch79 [waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
@jeannerbeaner Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
@MrGeorgeWallace Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
@TheFirstDudish That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
@dinokitten “Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”