@bea_ker
@UncleDuke1969 seems like a niche market
You Might Also Like
@UncleDuke1969 
@GrantTanaka *races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
@joeldanger When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
@GrowlyGrego [at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
@Reverend_Scott [1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
@007Pepe_Rex [15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
@druuuck The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
@Nickadoo The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
@ACall55 Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
@scot7a ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?