ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
“Knight to f3”