@bea_ker

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

You Might Also Like

@rockymomax

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

@EliTerry

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@MrsJCtoyou

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

@AtticusFinch79

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

@jeannerbeaner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

@TheFirstDudish

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”