I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.