I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
No, he would not have.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.