Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.