I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
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4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.