I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
lol
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.