I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.