I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.