I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.


“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”


Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*


I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.


The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant


Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.


What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?


*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*


Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.


Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough