I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I am never leaving this website
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had