I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Customize Your Wedding.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
are there any atheist mantises?