@InternetHippo A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
@Schroofles I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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@InternetHippo 
@dave_cactus Any time a child tries to guess my age.
@007Pepe_Rex Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
@ItsSamG My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
@tinynietzsche The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
@panmidwest FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
@adamgreattweet bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
@AtticusFinch79 [McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
@HousewifeOfHell What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
@DaddyJew 6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream