I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
You Might Also Like
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.