i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
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It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
i love meeting boys on tinder
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.