I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
The police never think its as funny as you do.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.