I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

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What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.


If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.


Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.


I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.


“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”


“It’s a long story.”


When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.


Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.


See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket


Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.