@

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

You Might Also Like

@HousewifeOfHell

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

@osigat

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

@BaconBeefStrip

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

@NikkiGlaser

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

@JimmerThatisAll

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@xLiserx

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

@Heatinblack

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

@Uffdafuckingda

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.