@HousewifeOfHell What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
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@HousewifeOfHell 
@osigat If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
@BaconBeefStrip Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
@NikkiGlaser I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
@JimmerThatisAll “My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
@ItalianBratikus When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
@xLiserx Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
@BatBatshitcrazy It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
@Heatinblack See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
@Uffdafuckingda Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.