“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied