I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it