I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
A double negative is a big no-no.