I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
the battle rages on
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
can’t believe I got front row seats
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.