@onlyfeelx

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😑😑

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@jaden

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

@joeljeffrey

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

@Alex_N_Chains

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

@mrjohndarby

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

@bossy_bootz

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@Playing_Dad

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

@ceejoyner

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

@THEDUTHCHESS

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.