I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.