“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days