I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
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waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
🤣😈🤣
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.