I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.