i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
You Might Also Like
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: