I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.