I hate everything
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If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
that de-escalated quickly
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.