“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]