I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.


“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”


NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.


Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it


The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.


Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.


My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.


Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.


The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.