I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.