@wandering_leaf9
@suzieQ0007 Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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@suzieQ0007 
@MichaelJErhart “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
@BriarSlyMalice NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
@notmythirdrodeo Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
@goldengateblond The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
@ozzyunc Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
@UNDEADTRESOR My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
@RunOldMan Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
@aprilinkc The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
@TheNewsAtGlenn Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
