@wandering_leaf9

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

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@suzieQ0007

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

@MichaelJErhart

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@notmythirdrodeo

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

@goldengateblond

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

@ozzyunc

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

@UNDEADTRESOR

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

@RunOldMan

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

@aprilinkc

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.