@AlisonAgosti Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
@Darlainky I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
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@AlisonAgosti 
@ArianFoster The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
@bekindofwitty Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
@ChrisThayerSays me when I see my crush
@AmishSuperModel Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
@dorsalstream casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
@Ivsy01 People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
@TheWriteStuff2u I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
@NikiWithIssues Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
@Gorrdano I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.