@0point5twins “Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
@iAmDelFreaky I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
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@0point5twins 
@momoneycomedy Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
@jonnysun how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
@McNarstle “He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
@rocknthepurple I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
@MatCro [battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
@ericsshadow As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
@Jez1 It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
@OneFunnyMummy I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
@LilFlaOrange30 That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.