I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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#SuperBowl
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.