I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
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Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
And bowling should be called pinball
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“How could you?”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.