I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
You Might Also Like
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff