I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Not today.. 😂
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.