I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Beware of the dog..
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The best shot in the history of golf
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.