I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.