I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster



G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade


Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants


[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”


“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds


*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows


imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed


[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*