I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My what?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother