@mattZillaaaa
@bestestname Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
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@bestestname 
@blade_funner [GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
@zachcozad1 “Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
@Havish_AF Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
@WheelTod [Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
@JanelSantaCruz “What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
@SvnSxty *viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
@sneerid imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
@mrjohndarby doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
@elle91 [Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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