I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh