i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online