I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.