i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
every college guy’s fridge