I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Yup.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.