I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*