I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Gemma Correll
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Stonehinge
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.