I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]